matt (hbergeronx) wrote,

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1. need to finish routine checking work for the Canadian client.
2. take LL to hospital this afternoon.
3. restart studying for Oracle DBA exam.

I'm apprehensive about the hospital thing, and I've been avoiding putting a lot of the thoughts I've had down here because I don't want to come across as attention seeking when the seriousness is all about LL right now. When things are all better, is perhaps the better time to muse idly.

Sitting here and procrastinating on starting my day, really. I've got coffee, had my yoghurt. Every evening it's been cloudy and ominous and despite wanting to go out for a walk, I've thought it better I haven't. Is that procrastination as well? I feel so lazy sometimes. I was thinking yesterday about how my university record was so beyond reproach compared to other people- I took a minimum of 19 credits a semester, had season theater tickets, went to all the parties and had lots of friends, did much independent research and read at least two books a week, spent hours at the library while other people slept, used to take two hour walks around campus at two in the morning, and on and on. When did I lose that? I think sometime around the time I wasn't on someone else's dime. There's a big difference when I take a submissive role, working for someone, being a kept boy, and when I'm the one calling the shots. I like my performance as a kept boy, and I think that I try to hold people to that same standard and it frustrates me, annoys me.

It's going to take a huge effort to transform my life again. I did it very ungracefully the past two times- I hope that people have the courage to recognize that I need to go through these things every so often. Is it too late to put the phoenix on my family crest?

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