matt (hbergeronx) wrote,

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on dedication.

My employer doesn't deserve me sometimes, but I make up for it in halfassedness at other times, so karma on them.

Up at 4:30 this morning to conduct a webex at 8edt (5pdt here in Bothell, WA). Done with said conference. I've done a hell of a lot of work for them in ten consulting days over the last six to nine months, and sometimes, they just don't realize the brainpower they got for such a cheap price.

I've managed to do the vast majority of an upgrade for my customer here in four consulting days. It's probably a deceptive long-tail kind of thing, but since the last team took months to complete an almost identically cloned migration for another customer, and I have used no help from them during this week (which was supposed to be just a scoping exercise, but I have proceeded to do most of the work), I deserve a little self back slapping.

Most days, i rock. I have to remind myself of that- otherwise I risk being Marvin, which is quickly becoming my default emotional state again, but I think I have the emotional tools to get myself back to where I want to be, now.

Dedication is about being where I want to be at all times. Dedication is about being where I need to be (globally and righteously, not necessarily where others want me to be, but where my morals demand I be), at all times. Sometimes life isn't happiness, but you have to squeeze what happiness you can out of the moments you're given, and you can't be happy if you're not where you need to be. Listening to the quiet voice is hard.

In other news, while the stem cell transplant has put Dad's myeloma into pre-phase-I again, there's no assurance that his time gap between now and when it recurs (it can range from months to years, and the last time lasted only six months) will be very long. I don't know how to respond to that. I feel very humbled, mostly, despite the fact that I really only want to feel like I rock. I don't know what's worse: just being dead, or having to watch the end in slow motion.

Some people fear fire, or death, or whatnot. My fear is to have to watch the people I love be tortured. I don't think i'm going to like my life very much for a while.

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