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on dedication. [May. 13th, 2005|10:04 am]
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]

My employer doesn't deserve me sometimes, but I make up for it in halfassedness at other times, so karma on them.

Up at 4:30 this morning to conduct a webex at 8edt (5pdt here in Bothell, WA). Done with said conference. I've done a hell of a lot of work for them in ten consulting days over the last six to nine months, and sometimes, they just don't realize the brainpower they got for such a cheap price.

I've managed to do the vast majority of an upgrade for my customer here in four consulting days. It's probably a deceptive long-tail kind of thing, but since the last team took months to complete an almost identically cloned migration for another customer, and I have used no help from them during this week (which was supposed to be just a scoping exercise, but I have proceeded to do most of the work), I deserve a little self back slapping.

Most days, i rock. I have to remind myself of that- otherwise I risk being Marvin, which is quickly becoming my default emotional state again, but I think I have the emotional tools to get myself back to where I want to be, now.

Dedication is about being where I want to be at all times. Dedication is about being where I need to be (globally and righteously, not necessarily where others want me to be, but where my morals demand I be), at all times. Sometimes life isn't happiness, but you have to squeeze what happiness you can out of the moments you're given, and you can't be happy if you're not where you need to be. Listening to the quiet voice is hard.

In other news, while the stem cell transplant has put Dad's myeloma into pre-phase-I again, there's no assurance that his time gap between now and when it recurs (it can range from months to years, and the last time lasted only six months) will be very long. I don't know how to respond to that. I feel very humbled, mostly, despite the fact that I really only want to feel like I rock. I don't know what's worse: just being dead, or having to watch the end in slow motion.

Some people fear fire, or death, or whatnot. My fear is to have to watch the people I love be tortured. I don't think i'm going to like my life very much for a while.

[User Picture]From: kristenlou
2005-05-13 02:57 pm (UTC)
My employer doesn't deserve me sometimes, but I make up for it in halfassedness at other times, so karma on them

My sentiments about my own job exactly.

My mother fought cancer for several years before she died, and in the end it was incredibly hard to see her suffer, and in a way it was actually a relief (especially to my father, her main caregiver) when she finally went. I was not a rock. I could have done much more, but I was young and self centered and scared. The length of her illness meant that we had all somewhat grieved in advance, so at least we were prepared. I can remember sitting in my office, staring at my computer screen thinking, "What am I going to say to people at the funeral? They're all going to come up and murmer their condolences and I won't know what to say. I don't even want them to say anything."

To this day, I regret that I never had certain conversations with my mom. I never really got to be an adult with her, to ask her about the past and what her motives and dreams were. So I guess reading your words made me want to tell you that yes, I know it sucks. Hugely. It hurts and it's draining and you know what? Nobody except yourself really expects you to be a rock. So give yourself a break. But be thankful for the time you do have and use it the best you can, so later you waon't look back and think, "I should have..."

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[User Picture]From: hbergeronx
2005-05-13 05:53 pm (UTC)

My brother got married over the weekend, and I was a wreck because mom and dad were dancing (as much as dad could) and having a good time, and knowing that this might be it- the last time to see the loving couple enjoying themselves.

I'm lucky that I've gotten to be an adult with my parents, able to add value to their lives. It's just hard facing the end of those times. Parents can't expect to ever be repaid for the value of creation- but you can sure spend a big bundle of self generated guilt trying to make it so.
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