Happy birthday to me.
one being least significant, tell me what you and I should think about my turning 35.
on matters not in general interest
If you know me, you know that I don't place too much of a big deal on holidays and events, less so on one that focuses only on me. But, in a peripheral sense, it is kind of interesting, this whole trip around the sun and all. I was thinking some about the path of that trip- it's an epicycle, isn't it? It's kind of interesting though, how a solar year is 365 odd days, and how a circle is measured with 360 degrees. I was also thinking about circumference, and relativity a bit too. It's sometimes fun to get lost in your thoughts. I'd like to think with all that motion, I have been able to achieve more than just a little movement, more than just a return to that noexistent place in space time where it all began.
Thirty five I suppose is kind of a landmark for me, since I never really expected to be hanging around this long, and I've always sort of figured my health would have gone south before now. People never seem to want to talk about that realistically too much, but I think about it sometimes. It's probably not helped by the fact that Garden of Memories in Washington Township sent me a brochure yesterday of all days offering 40% off on preneed financing. I was also taken a bit aback when I received a photo from Dot's general distribution list just now with a family portrait: some of you know my friend Fred (Dot's husband) died this past year and it was a bit of a suprise to see a photo of all wives and kids, no men. I realize it's a portrait of her parents children and grandchildren, but still: I sometimes get creeped out by the whole e.m. forster-y, jane austen-y image I get in my head sometimes. I also think about what things will be like when I'm not around to add my influence. On balance, I'd like to think I'm a positive, if not totally necessary addition to people's lives. I've never been in the position (financially, at least) where if I pack it in, people will be thrown without an oar.
But, I'm not getting any healthier, either. I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination, and I don't have any problems which makes medication or other supports necessary, so I'm doing ok. I also don't take the position that I want to live forever, even though I know there are probably people on both sides which would want to have an influence on that future date, if not postpone it indefinitely or bring it up sooner. But people, in general, never seem to ask me what I'd like to have influence it, and so I thought maybe I should write some of that down.
I'd like to be more active and healthier, going forward. One of the things that's going to improve my life considerably is to get a little more exercise, eat less fat and calories and more vegetables, and to be happy more often. I don't want to be reminded of these things- I remind myself often enough, to little effect. Part of the problem is that I'm not terribly interested in starting up solitary or non social things to improve my life, since I'm farly good about that on my own as it is. So, I guess what I'm saying is that if people want to give me a present, or whatever, I'd be happy if you don't bother with wrapping it up or going shopping, but instead, invite me to go walking somewhere. Or take me swimming. Or cook me a nice meal. I'm always really thankful when someone does that for me. I don't want to sound ungrateful for those other things, the presents, the cards and whatnot. I do realise that I sometimes come of as a bit of an irritibale ass when I say things like this, and I do not deal too well wth people making a visible fuss- I like it, secretly, but really hate it too, often secretly. I'm not trying to be a grump. For those who are thinking , though, that they wanted to do something and were stumped, there's some easy things. I also think that many people do that already for me, and if you don't feel like you've been thanked properly for it, let me take a moment now to say I'm thinking about it and I'm thankful.
One other thing is about expectations. It seems trite, but I live my life saying everyday, well, that's a nice place to close things up. It's not about death being the final page, though. Even though I don't believe in anything after death, I realize that we don't exist in a solipsism and things do continue of after you're no longer in the camera frame. That, and things that happen off-camera usually have as much or more of an effect than the things you see. So, I'm not living every day like it's my last, but I'd be happy just the same if things wound up that way *or not*. I don't like putting things off, and I think that most of my depression of late has been because I feel like everyday, I'm adding more and more little un-finished issues to the unspoken task list. So, I'm going to try to erase a lot of those. If you had a pending issue of late with me, it's been cleared off the calendar. If you want to bring it up or it needs resolving, I'll make some time shortly and we'll sit down and schedule a resolution firm, not just a future probability.
I realize, too, that I've been putting off things in a "watch this space" a little too much lately, and that's changing now. I don't want to become the new york store that's forever going out of business- there really is a vibrant person back here. If I delete something or miss a detail or whatever, please accept my apologies, and I'll try to fix it.
I think it's only appropriate to discuss the whole "power of thirteen" thing, just because it's my birthday and it's a "lucky" or "unlucky" number, for whatever that's worth. Twelve is normally considered a number of a complete set, but there's a lot to be said for thirteen, both ways. As it is said, Jesus had twelve apostles, and so plus Jesus that makes thirteen, but minus one Judas makes twelve again, so for people is thirteen more of a fortunate or ominous thing? Personally, I've often felt like the odd man out in many ways. Thirteen is like that- but being the odd man out has its benefits. A baker's dozen is a good thing- you get one extra for the price of twelve. Being the odd man out sets you apart and gives you a different perspective, a different position in life. I don't feel as though I was born under an unlucky star or sign nor do I feel there's any validity to such a thing. One makes one's own fortunes in life. I make myself the odd one, sometimes, and sometimes it's just who I am, the strange coincidences of what has happened.
But, it being my birthday and all, I'd like to hope that in everyone's life, I'm your lucky thirteen.
I'd also like to thank all the people who sent me birthday wishes, current as of when I wrote or edited this last.
lapis_lazuli, mom and dad, pookfreak, zoo_music_girl, stitchinthyme, lellen, sarahparah, tigerknight, ladonne, cogshiftingman, sythyry, beetiger, janigrey, Dan, diamond_j.