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matt

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final design [Jun. 8th, 2002|10:54 pm]
matt
[Current Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

All set. The black and white design is with the tattoo artist and I have an appointment next weekend to get the black portion done. I've edited the design a little more, and the artist will do some more touch ups on the black and white copy. I'm a little nervous and excited- the piece will be five inches on a side, between my shoulder blades.

This design has been in planning for one, maybe two years (update- 3yrs, since '99) now and I think I'm ready.

Been away from my laptop a lot doing validation work. This is interesting and I think it will serve to boost my career opportunities. Meanwhile, another one bites the dust at my office- the ranks are really thinning as our competitors sap our resources.

Reading "At Home in the World" by Joyce Maynard- I think it's not so much the kind of book that I would usually read but it is one I think that I'll want to have read. It's an interesting cautionary tale of a girl who wrote her memoir at age 18, and wound up shacking up with JD Salinger (who was three times her age) subsequently. It's interesting in the sense that she reminds me so much of other women i've encountered who seem to have it "all figured out" (onesoul,learning_curve) and seem to get "trapped by evil dominant/abusive men". I see her less as the victim but as the arrogant naif, pretending to have the answers and driving herself off a cliff in the process. I'd recommend it to them, if I thought I were being listened to.

I'm stepping back a bit from the LJ drama thing. I'm not going to pretend I don't play into the fact that this is a public forum and a private journal of my thoughts. I think I'm happy to have people read my inner thoughts, because (aside from maybe sex) I think that's where I'm most interesting. But I've been selectively dropping people, and at least with serpentfeuer since I know the identity of at least one of the people she's entwined with and needs anonymity for I think giving her some additional space is probably a good idea. I've added a new "stalker" (hello lacasdal! how did you come across me?) and perhaps that's a good idea- getting entangled with complete strangers who are just going to stay at that. Who knows. I need to be more open to things just as they come.

I still have this oracle test lingering over my head. I'm done with the reading and I've actually powered through Fundamentals I and Backup/Recovery as well, but I need some time to get refamiliar with SQL*plus. It's a truly crap editor, but if I'm ever going to call myself an oracle person I've got to reduce my dependence on notepad and vi. July. I'll have the initial inking on my tat done next weekend, then have the color added early august, and do my Oracle test in July.

I slept most of today and I'm still tired. This job (four straight weeks) is sapping my strength. Week after this one I'll be in Toronto. I think I'd like to take a long weekend vacation, maybe in September/October, to Las Vegas. We'll see what happens with the user group meeting, if I go to Seattle. If I'm still employed... ugh.

be seeing you!

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Comments:
From: lacasdal
2002-06-08 10:38 pm (UTC)
I was random journaling, and yours was interesting to read. =) That's how I came across yours.
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[User Picture]From: hbergeronx
2002-06-08 10:46 pm (UTC)

welcome!

make yourself at home!
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From: lacasdal
2002-06-09 12:32 am (UTC)

Re: welcome!

looks like it's going to be an awesome tattoo, by the way =)
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[User Picture]From: hbergeronx
2002-06-09 12:54 pm (UTC)
Tinka Tinka Tee (onesoul) replied to your LiveJournal post
Wow I never saw this. I'm NOT into abusive men. Being abused as a child set up a cycle and yes I _have_ been involved with them...I feel deeply hurt that you have placed judgement with simply one conversation. *deep sigh* Of course you are allowed your opinion but I'm simply a who trips and falls but is trying to find her footing. My relationships are no longer of that sort. Evolution of the soul and spirit is a powerful process.


I have _nothing_ figured out...(and never claimed to) and I guess I should realize there will always be people that think that my openness about my insecurity is somehow me knowing what I'm talking about.


I never figured out why you think such negative things about me. And I'm sadened that you feel such harshness towards me. None the less, I hope the best for you and yours. My life lead you to a place that is even more accepting and loving of others.


You come off as knowing everything because you haven't seemed to make an effort to ask questions around me, and make statements which sound certain even when you know internally that you are not. You come off as making a show of being the student, when you appear to me to be acting the teacher. And yes, I understand wholly that you are not into abusive men- I did not say or intend that. I'm saying you remind me a lot of the young Joyce Maynard, as I read the book, and vice versa. I did not say "into", I said "trapped by", meant almost entirely in a past tense sense. And like Joyce Maynard, you can't claim to be evolving, knowing, when what you are doing is observing. I don't believe that. Evolution of the soul and spirit? I don't believe in a soul. I don't believe in a spirit. But as a fictional representation, construct or trope, of the human process, yes, I can understand that "evolution" of the "soul" appears to be a powerful or empowering process. If you really wanted to analyze the statement i made, you'd take a minute to question or investigate rather than shoot back an immediate dismissal. You further characterize yourself as a result as hearing but not listening. It doesn't matter really, since the character you portray to my opinion doesn't have to have anything to do with the real person you are.

At it's root, why I need distance, was I was very off-put by your glib comment fetishising mafia men, along the lines of "my ideal husband would be in the mob". Perhaps it is silly of me to feel that way, but I was deeply offended when I read that. I feel that you don't get it. and even if it's just a fantasy, an idle musing, not something that represents your true inner belief system, it is in my opinion an absurd thing to say, to voice. It represents for me some deep rooted damage to your person I'm not prepared to get mixed up in, assuming I've read the damage right.

I am entitled to want distance between us as a result.

I also don't believe at all that you want "the best for myself and mine", I believe that you rate your net worth on the goodwill people return to you. You want people to trust you. You want to play the therapist. I believe you say "wishing you the best" in a desperate attempt to build karma. But karma cannot be engineered.

I don't need therapy, I need people who will live and challenge and show intense original thought. And I don't believe you are on the path of living but rather one of observing. I need to surround myself with people prepared to live, not just observe, life.

So, at least now you can be assured that I don't know you at all and the things I say don't have any meaning, that if you are "deeply hurt" that I have judged you it can be ignored because of my lack of knowing what the reality, what reality is. Give yourself the distance, and don't pay me any attention.

-matt
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